October 16th, 2008


Day Of The Dead (2008)

I caught a screener of this last night.

It sucked so bad i wanted to kill everybody even remotely involved in it.

With a crowbar.

Twice each.


It has NOTHING at all to do with the (great, IMO) Romero movie of the same name. It might just as well have been called "Colorado Zombie Movie" or "I Was An Army Chick In Her Twenties Who Deals With A Zombie Attack That Was No Doubt Shot In Canada Because It Was Cheaper To Film That Way", or "Big Ass Piece Of Shit".

Nothing happens for the first 24 minutes and, once things do pick up we get to see a token black guy who actually says things like, "Shut up, bitch!", as he kills a male zombie, 'I ain't tryin' to hear that!", when he's confused, and, "Aiiite?" (that super slangy way of saying, "All right?"), when he explains something. I'm a fifty-two year old white guy so I might be wrong here but I'm pretty sure nobody has said, "Aiiite?" in at least a decade.

But enough about me.

The infected people (don't ask how or why) cough a lot, get a nose bleed, and then freeze as if catatonic just before they turn into zombies. Once they do turn their skin magically gets all rotten and ugly-like in a flash. You can kill them with a shot in the head, which the black guy is nice enough to point out to us as if nobody has ever seen a zombie movie before, and, when they are engulfed by fire their heads explode and they crumble to pieces in a blaze of really crappy CGI.

Everybody in this movie is an idiot and they didn't die soon enough for me.

I seriously doubt the makers of this mess have ever even seen a zombie movie.


Maybe one or two and that's as far as the research went.

Don't get me wrong here. If you're a fourteen year old girl who needs to act scared as an excuse to cuddle with a guy so you don't feel like a slut or whatever this just might be the movie for you.

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)

I first saw a little movie called "Plan 9 From Outer Space" in high school. This was around 1971 or so and in those days high school meant exactly that, at least it did at my school. One night I smoked a nice sized joint and saw the movie at about three in the morning. I had no idea what it was (or who Edward D. Wood, the guy who wrote and directed it was, for that matter) but, as a young and hungry science fiction and horror fiend I thought I'd check it out based on the title alone. I couldn't believe it. It was the sloppiest and downright lamest thing I had ever seen. I almost literally laughed my ass off.

Nobody really had a VCR back then so if you wanted to see a movie a bunch of times you'd have to wait for a rerun. It would replay every six months or so and I'd see it every chance I got, often making friends and people at parties sit through it as well. It was amazing! You either loved it or hated it. Most hated it. That was their loss as far as I was concerned. I was hooked and the most amazing thing was that it got better with each viewing. It didn't take very long for it to become one of my favorite movies.

These days it seems that almost everybody with a quirky taste in cinema loves it and it has reached the height of cultdom. Books, magazine articles, a comic book, even a whole other movie sing the praises of what has been called "The Worst Movie of All Time".

But is it really the worst? I don't think so. Have you ever seen "Tomcats"? "Mrs. Doubtfire"? How about "Gone With The Wind"? Those are some bad movies, pal. I mean, look, at least "Plan 9" has a message: "Stop playing around with weapons or we'll come back and whack your whole damn planet!" Pretty heavy stuff. Sure. I know. Robert Wise said the same thing in the film "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and he said it better too.

But here's the thing:

The reason the aliens come to earth in "Plan 9" is to stop us from discovering Solaronite, particles of sunlight so small they can't be measured. If we create a Solaronite bomb it will blow up the sun and then follow the sunlight, blowing up everything it touches thereby blowing up the whole universe. Now, there's no such thing as Solaronite but there are neutrinos, teeny tiny particles of sunlight. If a neutrino bomb were created and set off would the sunlight explode setting off a chain reaction that would destroy the universe?

I'm no scientist but it sure seems that way to me.

And what about Ed Wood? Did he "discover" neutrinos long before whoever is credited with the discovery only to pick a really stupid name for them and use them in what has been called "The Worst Movie of All Time"?

As Criswell, the guy who narrates it says, "Can you prove it didn't happen?"

If you still haven't seen this movie it just might be the movie for you.

Hatchet (2006)

"Hatchet" is pretty much a return to those old school stalk and slash movies that were so much fun to get loaded during in the 80's. The opening scene is killer diller and crock-tastic (and has a great old horror movie guy in a guest shot) but then you have to wait a bit so you can meet the cast and get some plot going on until it picks up.

Once it does it really starts to kick ass!

Some college dudes are taking a break in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Most of them are into drinking and barfing and being stupid and pissing in the street and getting laid except for a guy who got dumped by his fave rave girl and just can't get over it. He decides to take a boat tour of famous ghoulish landmarks in a swamp. His wise ass black buddy goes with him.

Bad move for both!

There's a crazy with a hatchet (hence the title, right?) running around hacking folks up!

Do you love bad movies that are actually funny? Like to see folks get killed in really bloody ways? Are you into gratuitous naked tits? Well, go nuts, kids! This movie's got it all! Drink lots o' shots and beers and groove on this hunk of cheese! I was laughing and cringing and then laughing again through this whole thing.

Let me just tell you this:

If you're the type of person who would love to see Joel Murray get his head popped off by a maniac (not that that's a bad thing) then "Hatchet" just might be the movie for you.